How to Survive PA School (As a Spouse)
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| I couldn't find any images for Jimmie Howser, PA-C. |
Nobody asked, but since a blog with advice to the PA Class of 2012 is so well received, I thought I'd follow up with a word to the spouses, significant others and families of future PA students.
You have no idea what you're getting into. You nod. Yeah, right. It's going to be tough. You get that. But it won't be that bad. It can't be.
Oh, it can. There's a reason nobody ever tells you specifically why PA school is going to suck. For the students, school is like the baby alien from Aliens. It's going to find your weak point and it's going to come popping out.
How are you at eating and exercising well while under stress? Pretty good? How about getting enough sleep when you have a billion pages of reading to do? OK at that? How about calling your family and friends when you're 100 percent busy? BAM. Weak spot.
Every student's soft spot is different. I won't get into TW's, other than to say we both find it challenging to eat and exercise correctly when we're not stressed out. School isn't helping.
Of course, as somebody close to a PA student, this doesn't really affect you. Except that it does. The person you know, love and care about is going away for two years, except you'll happen to go to sleep next to each other at the end of the day.
My friend Montana lives a couple of blocks away with his wife, who is in her first year of the PA program at the University of New England. (I'd call her Dracula, to stick with the nicknames thing, because she was a phlebotomist in a previous life, but this whole nicknames thing is just getting too cute.)
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| This has to be the worst cutout I have ever seen. |
Montana and his wife stood in our house in May. They nodded and smiled when we said it would be tough. A couple of months later, Montana looked a little dumbstruck when describing what living with a first-year PA student is like: "She's there, but she's not even there."
Bingo. They're home, but they're distracted. You can have short conversations about topics, then have them again a couple of hours later because they don't remember talking about it. They're home, but they're not really home.
Perversely, that's why the second year of PA school is better for spouses. We stay at home while they go out on rotations. Second year is better in a way. At least, that's my experience. I have a friend whose husband was amazing at being Super Man. He'd study in class, take notes, come home and be a dad and a husband, and only rarely did he get worked up about problems at school. Now, rotations have started and he's forced to live apart from his wife and toddler while he bounces around upstate Maine on his rotations. For them, the second year is very rough.
Just as there is no typical reaction to PA school for the students, there's no way to predict what you, the spouse or loved one of a prospective PA student, is going to experience. My breaking point came in March. It's not a coincidence that this blog started in March of 2011. I was so bored and lonely in my own house, sleeping next to my wife, that I was reduced to tears. And not just once.
Fortunately, I'm not alone. My PA-spouse friends Naleen, Sarah and Matt can all relate. I've never heard or used the word "sucks" so much in my life. There are fancier words for it, but sucks does the job.
You kind of know that already. Things started to turn around for me this summer, and really took a turn for the better when I went cliff diving. I don't know why, but that experience brought some excitement back into my day-to-day life.
It also reminded me that life goes on. I was mourning that my wife couldn't come out and play, as it were. She wasn't available to go for a Sunday drive. We couldn't eat out at JP's Bistro, our new favorite restaurant. Watching the NFL was out.
I had to forget about what it meant to be married. I told TW I'd divorced myself from the idea of being married. That phrasing didn't go over so well. But that's what's done it for me. I'm married. I'm crazy about my wife. But I'm not going to see her much for another eight months. We'll survive.
But that's just us and how I dealt with PA school. PA school will hit you differently. I wish I could help you *really* get ready for it, but that's pretty much impossible. And that's why PA school sucks.
Awe, that's really tough! But I like a manny who is in touch with his feelings. Give Daisy a hug and remember you keep us all entertained on FB daily.
ReplyDeleteCathartic, ain't it?
ReplyDeleteHang in there, both of you'uns.
It'll be worth it in about 40 years, when you're a case study in geriatric issues and she's your at-home caretaker ...
ReplyDeleteI mean, you're getting a sugar mama. I've been searching for a sugar daddy for years. Really, I envy your future position. 78-5-8.
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting... My fiancé just started his first semester at UNE's PA program. Tomorrow will be his first true week, so I'm trying to prepare myself because I see it going the way you described. Definitely one of THE hardest things I think I'll go through. What did you do to help yourself get through it? Did you know anyone in Maine? Ill take any pointers you've got.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to say something inspiring about how I manned up and expanded my horizons and became a better person, but that didn't happen. That's a little on me and that says a lot about the situation.
DeletePointers are many. I'm going to friend you on Facebook and offer to take you out for a meal or drinks or something because I didn't know anybody, and that was hard, too. But I found the people here are GREAT and making friends isn't too tough.
Just know this: It's going to be OK! The first week isn't life-altering. Neither is the second week. But at some point, chances are, your fiance' is going to become a crazy person. I exaggerate to make this less serious, but it's kind of true. It's going to be tough. And that's totally normal. And it's totally going to be OK.
Also, that whole Facebook thing didn't work out. So find me through this blog and I'll shoot you my email at some point when I'm not posting out here where the web trolls live.
DeleteAs the spouse of a soon to be PA student I was wondering your thoughts on having my husband go without us to school. We have a 2 1/2 and a 4 year old. I was discussing this with my PA last night at an appointment and she said she would have preferred to go without her spouse so she didn't have the guilt of being home but not really being there. Have you had any experience with this among your PA friends?
ReplyDeleteHiya Fran. You can email me at patrickjim15 at gmail if you want to have a longer discussion about this.
DeleteI know of several couples who didn't travel to PA school together. Generally, they did not fare well. I don't want to go into details in a public forum like this.
IF I WAS YOU, and I had two kids to take care of while my spouse went to grad school, I think there is a compelling reason to stay home. My questions for you are simple: 1. Do you have a job or a career that you can bring with to PA school? 2. Do you have a support network for you and your kids at the site of PA school? If you don't have a support network and you don't have a job you can bring with you, and knowing what I know about PA school, I probably wouldn't go if I was in your shoes.
Whoa.
That said, every relationship is different. And, if you stay home, you should find out if he can do his rotations wherever you are.
Bottom line: Staying home is a viable option, if you think your relationship is strong enough.
My wife is in her 2nd year of PA school, and she has now been gone for 12 weeks now on two (6) week rotations. We've been married for 2 1/2 years, and we were getting through it all, even with the occasional fight here and there, nothing new to any rekationship. Myself, working full-time, has made it difficult to drive 5 hours to see her on the weekends especially with a Saturday work-schedule. We talked about the inconvenience and it was understandable. I did make it out once, but it was like I wasn't even there.
ReplyDeleteShe doesn't pick up her phone much or talk to me about her day like she used to, but it's kind of understandable when you're working 12 hour days. She's been very distant with her experiences, and it's hard on me. She just recently came home, and she has lost all interest in me. Our marriage has become this zombie-like progression of day in and day out, nothing new, nothing exciting to talk about, etc. I'm a bore, our sex-life has been affected. We're now on the verge of divorce, and it sickens me. I love her to death, but the passion is gone, and PA school has sucked the life out of her. She has 8 months to go. I have 8 months to go.
I've never been more alone in my life, as the past 6 years has been every day spent with her. She's changed. My hope is she will come back after PA school is done. She's just not there.
Our marriage has become at the bottom of the list of priorities. The male/female role of being "the bread winner" has also come into play (even though that's not being acknowledged). I won't be making half that she's making by the time she's done with school.
I do a lot around the house (though my disdain for dishes and laundry is felt, I will still do it!). I take care of the dogs, I clean, I do a lot of the little stuff she's not able to do. I think do a lot, but it's not good enough. It's almost as though, she's seeing I'm not going through hell like her, and because of that, she looks down on me, for not going through the difficulties that she currently is. I'm just a normal guy, a good guy. This sucks. I'm lost at this point. We'll see what happens. **** PA school.
I can only speak to my experiences, but PA school is all consuming. It really does feel like the life is sucked out of you sometimes. We get so busy trying to cram information into our heads in hopes that we don't kill someone by accident and hopefully heal them instead. Its a lot of weight to carry and it's a very self absorbed pursuit, in this case meaning that as a student, my learning has to come first right now before anything else. You sound like a great person who is really trying hard to make this work. It may just take her a while to settle into the new pace of her progrM And find balance in juggling life. Have you two read The Five Love Languages? Its about how everyone feels loved in different ways of expression. It's rare that we naturLly speak the exact love language that our partner needs. It's good to know what hers is so you can work on it and vice versA. Is there any way she can visit even once a month or if you can change your schedule to do the same once a month? I see my partner every other weekend, but I plan ahead and overstudy beforehand so I can just enjoy the time. And ill admit, I dont visit the weekend before a test. Anyways, good luck, keep hope and stay in there.
DeleteI can only speak to my experiences, but PA school is all consuming. It really does feel like the life is sucked out of you sometimes. We get so busy trying to cram information into our heads in hopes that we don't kill someone by accident and hopefully heal them instead. Its a lot of weight to carry and it's a very self absorbed pursuit, in this case meaning that as a student, my learning has to come first right now before anything else. You sound like a great person who is really trying hard to make this work. It may just take her a while to settle into the new pace of her progrM And find balance in juggling life. Have you two read The Five Love Languages? Its about how everyone feels loved in different ways of expression. It's rare that we naturLly speak the exact love language that our partner needs. It's good to know what hers is so you can work on it and vice versA. Is there any way she can visit even once a month or if you can change your schedule to do the same once a month? I see my partner every other weekend, but I plan ahead and overstudy beforehand so I can just enjoy the time. And ill admit, I dont visit the weekend before a test. Anyways, good luck, keep hope and stay in there.
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