The Best Birth Control Ever

Sixteen years ago, I was just out of high school. It's a little strange to type that line, since I don't remember most of the last 16 years. Another byproduct of aging, I suppose.

Ohmygd. My Dad is so annoying. That's Colldoll on the left.

I needed a break from school. The grades were fine, it just wasn't any fun. Not even remotely fun. Rather than hang out in my parents' basement and work at McDonald's, I wanted to do something unique.

At 4 a.m. on a random midweek day in July, my Dad and I hopped in the car. I was moving to Florida to live with my Aunt Flo (no, seriously) and Uncle Kevin. Flo and Kevin already had a daughter, Megdoll. Flo was 8.5 months pregnant with Colldoll when I arrived.

My job duties would be varied. Some days, it was stripping electrical wire with my pet Exact-O knife. Others, I would do helper work for Kevin's electrical company. Almost every day, I did the duties of a live-in nanny.

My name is Jim and I'm a male blogger. I used to be a manny.

Megan was 2 years old. Colldoll arrived in mid August. My horror stories are not unlike those many of you tell amongst themselves. Poops that crawl out of the diaper and up the small of the back. Tricking the kids into running inside by saying there's a fox in the backyard. Crying so hard that snot bubbles form. Crying for no reason. Crying in my ear. And, eventually, passing out cold from crying so hard.

OK, maybe I was a bad manny. I'm kidding. TW will back me up on this. I have a gift. Children find me fascinating. They can smell their own.

Bri on the left, RyGuy towering over the scene.

Down the street from Colldoll and Megdoll were RyGuy and Bri. Our family is big on nicknames. Deal with it.

On Saturdays, I would travel the half mile to RyGuy and Bri's house to babysit. RyGuy was 2 and Bri was 1 year old when I moved to Florida. The instant mom and dad left the house, I would blast "Kashmir" over the house speakers. RyGuy would run around making funny faces and squatting while Bri laughed. Their personalities are pretty much the same.

To recap, I took care of two 2-year-olds, a 1-year-old and a newborn for a year. Then I moved back to Minnesota to go to college. Then it was New Hampshire, Vermont, Minnesota again, Utah and now Maine.

This is how I remember them.

As I was bouncing around, the kids followed me. My family has visited me in every state I've lived in, even staying with me in a one-bedroom apartment above a pair of chain smokers in New Hampshire.

It was hard not being there. But Florida's really hot and I don't much care for it. So I watched them grow up. First, it was terrible phone calls, with yes-or-no answers. Then it was some overnight stays at my apartment in Minneapolis. I showed Megdoll her first R-rated movie, Deep Blue Sea. It was about killer sharks and had Samuel L. Jackson in it. She was 7. It wasn't the best choice I've ever made.

When they hit 12, the kids got their own cell phones. Then the phone calls started. RyGuy, Bri and Meg all had the typical teenager meltdowns. "My parents suck," they'd say into their phones. There might have been some snot bubbles, too. I really can't be sure. I'd assure them it was normal. We'd talk forever as I soothed their nerves and assured them that life would go on.

Then came the phone calls about sex. Birth control, to be specific. This, from a kid who I bottle fed.

All the while, they kept calling. I don't know why, but they did. I'm incredibly thankful that they're in my lives and that they think about me, despite the fact that I haven't never lived within 1,500 miles of them in my adult life.

I can't explain how much I love this photo.

This fall, RyGuy heads off to college. He's going to Old Miss. I'm going to go visit him at school in July. I can't wait to follow him around like the tourist that I am.

Megdoll is taking a less-certain path. She's taking a year off from school to figure out what she wants to do. That sounds familiar. I am literally praying that it's not cosmetology school.

Two of them are out of high school. Two more will be out soon.

I see friends posting about their kids all the time. Newborns. Pre-school antics. A few elementary school kids. I know they're my cousins and I know they're not my kids. But excuse me for feeling like I've seen this show before.

It goes fast. Enjoy the ride.